


The Avengers and A Very Exasperated Phil Coulson

by fandom_diadem



Category: Avengers
Genre: Avengers - Freeform, Clintasha - Freeform, Cute, Gen, dodgeball - Freeform, monopoly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 17:44:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4230999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_diadem/pseuds/fandom_diadem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers skip training to play Monopoly, at least until Phil arrives and announces that training is mandatory. This spawns several incidents leading up to an epic prank war. Avengers assemble!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fanfiction, and I hope you like it. I took inspiration from Tumblr and do not own any of the characters.

"Avengers!" Agent Phil Coulson yelled from the door. All eight heroes peered up at him from the floor of the living room in Stark Tower.

"Security breach!" Tony exclaimed.  
Coulson ignored him, examining the erratic scene in front of him. 

Sunlight streamed through the enormous windows stretching across one entire wall.

A monopoly board was set up in the centre of the living space, drawing his attention first. 

Natasha and Clint were sitting next to each other, both cross legged, both with plenty of cards laid out in front of them, with large stacks of colourful money. Of course they were winning. They won at everything. They were twisted around to stare at him over the couch.

Bruce was sitting on a fancy chair, partially blocking Natasha from Coulson's view. He was relaxing, obviously enjoying watching his friends play. It was probably a good idea for him to not participate in this game. SHIELD really did not want to have to clean up another of "The Other Guy"'s messes.

The Vision was sitting upright with perfect posture, a focused expression on his face. Wanda was using Phil's surprise entrance to levitate one of Thor's cards over to her while he wasn't looking.

The demigod was sitting in between Tony and Steve. He had a very confused expression, although whether it was from the game or from Coulson's appearance, it was uncertain. 

The super soldier beside Thor was doing fairly well, with almost as many cards as Natasha and quite a bit of money. Phil guessed that it was probably due to the fact that monopoly had been around B.F. (Before Freezing). 

Tony was sitting with his back to the windows, with only a few property cards and a small stack of $100s and $200s. He was eyeing Clint's cards with a dangerous look. 

"As I was saying before he burst in," he paused to shoot a look over at Coulson, "I was asking how a bird with no friends has managed to dominate almost half the board. Like, seriously guys, I'm a billionaire. All this should belong to me." He reached across the square board to scoop up Clint's cards but retreated when the archer pulled his bow and an arrow off of the couch behind him, aiming at the genius' head. 

"A bird with no friends! Says the guy who has more enemies than Nat!"

Wanda rolled her eyes and waved her hand, causing red ripples to course through the air, seeping into Clint and Tony's mouths. Tony tried to snap back a reply, but was taken aback as his voice was apparently stolen. He tried again, moving his mouth silently. Steve smirked at him while Natasha simply said, "That's a relief. Could you do that more often?"

Agent Coulson took a few steps forward and removed his sunglasses, making him look less mysterious and more like the man he was, tired of having to deal with the Avengers' antics for months. He wasn't supposed to be a babysitter. 

"Avengers! I'm here for a reason." 

Natasha and Clint looked at each other. Wanda made a strange gesture with her hand, and the red magic came swirling back to her. Tony opened his mouth, but Coulson continued.

"Fury isn't very happy with you all."

Steve looked uncomfortable, and shifted around slightly on the tiled floor. 

"You missed training for the second time this week. Seriously, you can't just skip training every day to go do something like watch a movie or-" Phil gestured around wildly, "or play monopoly for God's sake! If you're going to work at SHIELD I suggest you act like the agents you are."

Tony cut in, "You know, I prefer that you not call me an agent. We're more... heroes? Saviours? Anyway, we needed to take that day off last week. Can you believe that Rogers over here hadn't seen Star Wars?" 

Steve rubbed the back of his neck and looked up sheepishly.

Phil turned around and threw his hands up. "Fine, I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not you want to come to training." Everyone went silent, waiting for the 'but' that was sure to come. "Although, I think you would all rather enjoy today's activity."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I've already written the second, third and fourth chapters but I'm still editing the third and fourth, so I'll post those as soon as they're ready. I don't know yet how long this is going to be. Enjoy!

Two hours later, (they had decided to finish the game) all of the Avengers entered the training gym. Tony and Clint looked distinctly annoyed while Natasha wore a smug smile. Thor still looked confused.

"I do not understand your Midgardian tradition of buying squares of land and forcing others to pay you with your colourful paper wealth."

Tony sighed. "Just forget it, Point Break."

All the heroes were dressed in training outfits; black material with SHIELD emblems in the top right, near the shoulder. 

Tony always complained that he wasn't allowed to use his suit during these training sessions. 

Phil stood before the Avengers, his hands folded behind his back. 

"Today's training will focus on aim and agility." 

Natasha and Clint suddenly had dangerous looks in their eyes. Phil looked over at them briefly before continuing. "There is to be no maiming or serious harm done to any of your teammates."

Steve asked, "Wait, we're training against each other?"

Phil pressed his lips together. "Yes. It should be safe..." He trailed off, lowering his head. "Just go in there to find the ammunition." He pointed towards a large black door.

Clint took off towards the storage room with a whoop, closely followed by Tony screaming "AMMUNITION? I'M GONNA BLOW STEVE'S HEAD OFF!"

A very annoyed Captain America trailed behind the two, muttering, "I'd like to see you try."

Everyone else except Thor and Bruce headed towards the door as well. Thor walked up beside Phil, saying, 

"I have no need for SHIELD weaponry. My hammer will work perfectly."

"Sorry, today you can't use your hammer. You'll see why if-" 

He was cut off by an outraged yell.

"COULSON! YOU CALL THIS AMMUNITION?!" Tony came sprinting out of the storage room with a squishy foam ball in his hand. Skidding to a stop, he glared at Phil. "What am I supposed to do with this?"

Coulson sighed and announced loudly, "Today you will be playing dodgeball."

Shouts with varying degrees of excitement resonated around the room.

*tiny time skip*

A few minutes later, they had decided on teams. Bruce had finally been convinced to play, after everyone made a pact not to anger the Hulk. On his team was Vision, Tony and Clint. 

That left Nat, Wanda, Steve and Thor on the other team.

Coulson decided to stick around, mostly for his own enjoyment but also to call the medics down if I someone, (cough- Tony -cough) decided it would be funny to release the Hulk.

"Ready?" He called out. The scene was comical. Four superheroes posed on each side of the gymnasium, waiting to pummel each other with harmless foam. "Three, two, one!" 

Pandemonium ensued. 

Balls were flying everywhere, nearly hitting the SHIELD agent standing on the sidelines. Coulson covered his face and crouched as Thor whipped a ball at the wall just above his head. 

Tony seemed to be targeting only Steve, and Natasha was throwing the spherical foam with incredible accuracy. Clint was a bit too excited, leaping around giddily and still hitting people every time he threw.Bruce was holding back a bit, lingering by the wall. The Vision flew around the room, attacking from above, while Wanda used magic to pick up multiple foam balls at a time, flicking her wrist to send them flying into the mob. Thor was hitting everything and everyone with great gusto. 

It didn't seem to matter if the person he hit was on his team or not. 

Everything was going great for a few minutes. 

Eventually Natasha slowed down to talk to Thor about the rules. While her head was turned, Clint aimed blindly... And nailed her in the back of the head.

Everybody froze.

Tony dropped his ball and stared, a slightly scared look in his eye. Steve's hand went up to his face, rubbing his forehead in exasperation before backing away slowly. 

The Vision landed softly behind Wanda, who put up a wavering red barrier immediately. 

Bruce scooted even closer to the wall, pressing himself against it as though he wanted to melt into the white paneling. 

Thor, still confused about dodgeball and not quite getting the severity of the situation, laughed. 

"The Eye of Hawk has hit Lady Natasha!" 

His deep laughs resonated through the gym until Nat picked up a red ball, turned quickly on her heel and slammed the ball into Clint's chest. He stumbled back, his hands over his heart as though he had been shot.

"Natasha," he moaned. Standing straight again, he looked as though he was considering fighting back, but then decided against it. He simply bolted out of the room, narrowly avoiding the many foam missiles pelting down around him. When he was no longer visible, Natasha sent one last ball flying through the air. 

"Stupid Barton," she muttered before leaving through another door. Everyone else looked at each other with wide eyes before Thor sent a blue sphere sailing over to meet Tony's head. Then the game started again as though nothing had happened.


	3. Chapter 3

When everyone had nearly collapsed, Steve decided that they should probably go find Clint. 

"Do we really need to find Birdboy?" Tony whined. 

"I agree with the soldier," Wanda spoke in her thick accent. "Clint is probably hiding in his nest, scared out of his little mind."

"I'm staying here." Tony said stubbornly. 

"Sorry, I think I'll sit out this little manhunt as well." Bruce spoke up from the wall. "I need to go work on a project I've been putting off for a while."

Vision took Thor's hammer by the handle and swung it around a few times, narrowly missing Wanda, who moved out of the way with an annoyed expression.

Show-off, she thought.

"I will assist the Witch in finding the lost bird." Vision declared.

"It's Wanda, not Witch." She corrected Vision with an eye roll. The necromancer had been harbouring some weird mixed feelings for the genetically engineered human. He could be sweet, but was also as annoying as heck.

Thor snatched the hammer back from Vision and boomed, "The Eye of Hawk shall be found!" He looked over at Coulson, still lingering near the door. "Thank you for your excellent Midguardian training!" 

Phil simply gave a tight smile, lowered his sunglasses and pushed the door open. He was quickly followed by Bruce, who ducked out the door without a look back. 

Tony gave a mocking salute before shoving the door open himself. When the door closed with a click, Steve turned to face the remaining Avengers. 

"Wanda, can you check the vents? Just scan them for life, he could be hiding there. Vision, fly around the building. Check any crevice big enough for him to be hiding in. Thor? Check the east side of the building. It's not likely he'll be near the other training room, but check anyway. I'll take the west side. If you find him, send a... um..." His hand went to his pocket. His fingers scrambled around before he pulled out a black iPhone. "Send an... iMessage! Yes. Send me a message on my cellular device." 

Thor grabbed his phone and jabbed the home button. It blinked to life, the screen cracked from when he had decided to sit down with it in his back pocket. "Yet another Midguardian contraption I do not quite understand." 

Tony had decided to buy new phones for all the Avengers, even though half of them already had phones and the other half either couldn't use them or had no clue how to use them.

Wanda sighed. "I can't use phones." She waved her hand. "As soon as I touch one, my magic messes with the coding and it becomes dysfunctional." 

Vision blinked. "Am I the only one here who actually knows how to use a phone?"

"Fine!" Steve yelled. "If you find Clint, just bring him back to the Tower. We can all meet back there in an hour." 

"What if we don't find him?" Wanda queried, worried.

"If we don't find him in an hour, I say we just forget about him and watch a movie." Steve sighed.

Vision flew out the door. Thor ran after him, waving the hammer around and bellowing incomprehensibly. Wanda closed her eyes while streaks of red magic spread around the gym. They escaped into vents, long snakes reaching for the archer.

Steve watched Thor run off before leaving through the door Clint had run out of. 

Vision, having navigated his way through the thin corridors of SHIELD, finally burst out of the roof hatch. He set down momentarily to take in the view from the roof. It was mostly desert, but he could see tiny buildings in the distance. Rising above the rest, Avengers Tower stretched towards the sky. Parked on a large red circle, the Stark Industries helicopter that they had taken to get to SHIELD sat on Vision's right. The android/human could see no sign of the archer on the flat roof surface, so he took off, hovering a few metres off the concrete. Dropping down to look at the side of the building, he startled a SHIELD office worker and started his careful search for Hawkeye. 

Thor raced through the halls, crashing into a secretary and multiple other staff members in the hunt for his missing friend. Finding no one who had seen Clint, he lost interest and went to look at new weaponry that was being brought in, deciding that it was good, for being Midguardian.

Steve was more methodical in his search, and carefully looked in each room he passed, occasionally asking passerby if they had seen the missing agent. He even checked in Bruce's lab, although upon hearing a small explosion he left right away. He, too, found no sign of the assassin.

Wanda concentrated hard on the tendrils of magic creeping from her fingers. She flicked them toward the vents, sending veins of magic to scour them. At first, she felt nothing, but as the magic found its way into a wider part of the ventilation system, she felt a small vibration in her right hand. Her eyes popped open in surprise, and the magic leaped back to her fingers. When she recovered, she pressed the magic further, pursuing the life in the vents. She could only assume it was Clint. 

Urging the red lengths of magic to move faster, she concentrated to no avail. Whatever she had found was now gone. The magic snapped back into her hands like they were broken elastics. Her eyes blinked open, and she left the training centre in a few quick steps.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I haven't updated in FOREVER and I'm sorry, but yay something new finally.

The brown-haired witch stepped out into the open air. She still couldn't believe how much security she had to go through every time she wanted to enter or exit the building. Eye scans, fingerprints, passcodes and security questions, just to get outside! 

She peered upward, shielding her face from the glaring sun above. Her hair whipped around her face, strands flying in all directions.

"Vision!" She yelled. "Any sign of Bird Brain?"

She waited until a whooshing sound alerted her to the android's presence. 

"Wanda!"

The robotic sound of her friend's voice was calming.

"I have not yet found Hawkeye, but I did find Thor in the weapons room."

Wanda sighed. "You're sure he's not out here? I felt something in the vents, but it disappeared before I could figure out what it was."

"I'm certain. I've been checking the entire exterior of the building for almost fifty minutes."

Wanda started. Had it really been that long? Magic sometimes messed up her sense of time. Either that or she had simply selectively forgotten the last forty minutes.

"Okay, I'm going to go find Thor, you keep looking."

Vision nodded and sped off. Wanda turned and went through the million security protocols required to enter the building again.

*perspective switch*

"Bruce!" A cheerful voice came from just outside the lab door. 

"Tony," the scientist sighed, pushing aside a vial of green fluid. 

"Listen, I checked the security cameras to see where Legolas ended up after his epic show of bravery, and he was in the vents." He picked up some bottles and placed them on a table, clearing off space for him to sit on a wooden stool.

The lab would have had the feel of a hospital if not for the sea of scientific instruments and bubbling vials scattered around the room. The walls were white, although some had splotches of colour where some experiment had exploded. The lights were fluorescent, casting a stark brilliance that somehow worked with the room, making it look modern rather than uninviting. 

"So what? He's Clint, of course he's in the vents. And how exactly did you get access to security?" Bruce gave him a stern but slightly exasperated look, taking off his protective goggles and setting them on the stainless steel countertop.

"Well, Hermione missed him even with her crazy red magic somehow, and now he's on the roof."

Bruce sighed. "I'm not sure why you're making a big deal out of this, but-" he paused. "I was going to tell you to leave me out of it, but that never seems to happen with you, no matter how many times I ask you to."

"Yep," Tony affirmed, grabbing Bruce's mug of coffee from the stool beside him. "Do you mind?" he asked, taking a sip before an answer came. "Anyway, they don't realize he's there, because Vision already checked the roof at the beginning. Thor has completely lost interest in the search, and Capsicle is giving up."

"Where is this going, Tony?" Bruce was losing the small amount of patience he had with the genius.

Tony stood and grabbed Bruce by the shoulders. "They're going to leave, and Clint's still going to be up there. Miss Assassin also left, I checked. So, you and I and Katniss are going to be the only ones left, and we can totally use this time alone to create an awesome prank to blow the rest of the Avengers out of the water. Clint can get back at Nat and I can mess with Cap a bit." Tony shook the scientist's shoulders.

Bruce looked at him skeptically.

"It will help get Clint in better spirits." Tony looked at Bruce hopefully. 

"No," Bruce stood unwaveringly. "Pranks are for kids."

"Oh, you just wait. If you don't want in on this, you'll be a victim too, and you don't want to be on my bad side in a prank war."

"Is that a threat?"

"It's not a threat if you're my best friend." Bruce breathed in deeply, finally giving in.

"Fine. Let's go get Clint." Tony shoved Bruce's shoulders away from him, grinning like madman. He leapt toward the door, his arm flying and tipping a vial. The liquid exploded on contact with the tiled floor, leaving a fresh scorch mark. 

Bruce clapped a hand to his forehead, rubbing his temples in frustration and anxiety. He watched Tony leave the room. Cautiously, he stepped over the spilled fluorite and followed. 

He found Tony standing on the roof a few minutes later. He was staring at the figure huddled up inside what appeared to be a mess of metal scraps. A high-tech bow and a full quiver of arrows were propped up beside the archer.

Bruce walked up beside the billionaire. "What are you waiting for?" he asked. 

"He's got his arrows, and I personally wouldn't like to get shot through the eye today." Even as he was saying this, he was getting closer to the nest of metal. 

"Tony," Bruce warned.

His friend picked up a piece of what appeared to be steel and threw it just to the left of Clint. Bruce watched as it hit the roof surface with a shuddering, reverberating clatter. Less than a second after it hit, before it fell over flat, Clint whipped around, bow in hand. He loosed an arrow right at the thin sheet of metal. It was shot with such force that it went right through the steel, the tip lodged in a dent in the centre.

"And that's why you don't mess with Robin Hood." Tony stated, slightly impressed.

Unfortunately, Clint, hearing his voice, suddenly changed direction and aimed at the pair of friends. Tony shoved Bruce as the tip of an arrow threatened to embed itself in the scientist's shoulder. They fell to the ground, scrambling to seek cover behind an air vent protruding from the steel roof. 

"WHOA WHOA," Tony yelled loudly over the vent. "It's just us, Bird Brain. Don't shoot." When no arrows came, Tony crawled out into the open, his hands up protectively. Clint was standing up, his bow aimed at the arc reactor in Tony's chest. "Ah, you might want to put that down."

Clint relaxed, letting his hands fall to his sides, an arrow in one, the mechanical bow in the other. "What are you doing here?" he asked tightly.

"Well, I was going to ask you about a project that could enable you to get back at Nat, but you know, maybe I'll just wait a while." 

Bruce climbed up, his head appearing over the top of the air vent. His chest heaving, he squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists.

"Oh look, and now we've got this problem too. Great." Tony mumbled, spinning to face Bruce. "Just calm down. We talked about this before, remember? Deep breaths." He twisted to look at Hawkeye, who was standing awkwardly in his metallic nest. "You interested in a prank war?" 

Clint's eyes brightened. Tony smirked and then spun again as Bruce sighed deeply.

The scientist spoke, and thankfully it wasn't in Hulk's deep rasp. "I'm fine, but seriously, Clint, don't do that again."

"Sorry," the archer replied, "I was a little twitchy." Turning his attention to Tony, he grinned. "Also, about that prank war? I'm in."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fifth chapter! Thank you to the people who have left kudos and nice comments. Have a nice day!

They left the roof through the vents, their trio lead by Clint, followed by Bruce, followed by a cursing Tony complaining about dust and cobwebs and messing up his outfit.

The vents were relatively clean, the metal shiny with the occasional scratch or bullet hole. Clint seemed to know every path perfectly, and provided running commentary the entire way.

As they passed a small hole with jagged metal edges, he laughed. "That's where Bucky nearly shot me. He didn't know I was up here."

When they found a large dent, he grimaced. "That was from a Hydra agent who found his way in from the roof. Didn't expect company. I surprised him and threw him out that hole there." He gestured at a vent cover.

"Down that branch is my office, and down that branch is Nat's. That should be useful for dropping stuff on her desk or something."

Just after they passed a grate, a gunshot sounded and a bullet pierced the air behind Tony, passing through the vent entirely and leaving two new holes. 

Tony screeched that the vents were not safe, while Clint argued that they were perfectly fine, you just needed to be wary around Fury's office, which of course prompted Tony to yell about maybe warning him next time there was a potential of being shot at.

After five minutes of uncomfortably cramped crawling, several spiders and thankfully no more rogue bullets, they paused.

"Hurry it up, Merida," Tony snapped, "How the hell do you do this on a regular basis?"

"Just a second," Clint replied, "the metal grid over the exit is jammed."

Bruce sighed. "Confined spaces aren't really my thing."

"Calm down, it's coming loose."

"If the dust in this vent kills me, I'm suing you."

"Tony, this amount of dust can't kill you. Your lungs have a defense system that removes dust particles."

"Only you would know that."

"Will you both shut the hell up? I can't concentrate."

"On getting the vent loose so we can actually get out of here?"

"Just be quiet, Tony." 

The conversation continued like this for multiple minutes, Tony bemoaning the situation, Bruce answering in an increasingly short way, as though dealing with a small child's many questions. Clint, for the most part, stayed out of it, except for his efforts to tell the two to be quiet, which were largely ignored.

Tony was in the middle of asking what exactly dust mites were when he was quite rudely interrupted by the loud crash of Clint falling through the now-open hole in the vent, which had previously been covered with the uncooperative metal grid.

"Ow!" Clint groaned, shifting on the carpeted floor of the room.

"Is he dead?" Tony asked.

"I'M NOT DEAD, YOU IDIOT."

Bruce peered down the hole in the metal. A small room with, mysteriously, no doors, lay beneath him. Clint was on his back on the floor, although he shifted to sit up after a while. The grate was beside him, a little off to the left. It was dented in the middle. There was a wooden desk, a target on the wall and a purple beanbag chair. 

Clint stood and stretched out, throwing his bow and quiver on the desk. It landed with a clatter. He flopped into the chair with a sigh.

"Welcome to the Nest. I made it a while ago when I found some space between two offices."

"That's great, but can we get down?" Tony shouted from behind Bruce. 

"Fine," Clint said, standing up. He pushed the beanbag chair below the hole. "Just jump down. Don't worry, I've done this like fifty million times."

Bruce hesitated for just a second before he was falling through the air. He landed with a THUMP, engulfed in the soft chair. He arranged it a bit for Tony's descent, then moved away. 

A few seconds later, the suited figure came down, flailing his arms around and landing quite ungracefully in the embrace of the beanbag chair.

Clint was over by the desk, pulling out bags of candy and a stack of files. He slammed the drawer shut, threw the candy over to Bruce and distributed the files around the desk top. He opened one and read, 

"Agent Romanoff. Name: Natasha Alianovna Romanoff (Natalia Romanova). Codename: Black Widow. Spy/Assasin. Received training at the Red Room and SHIELD."

Here Tony cut him off. 

"Those... are those files on all of the Avengers?"

"Yep," Hawkeye said proudly. "Collected them myself."

"Nick would kill you if he found out." Bruce spoke up.

"Well, I'm still here, so I guess we're fine for now."

Tony had picked up his file and was paging through it urgently. 

"Volatile, okay. Vain, yeah. Valienton? What does that even mean? And why do these words all start with 'V'?"

Bruce flipped through Wanda's papers slowly. 

"How is this going to help us?"

"How is this going to help us?" Clint repeated. "It's going to tell us everything SHIELD knows about our pranking victims-"

"And enable us to hit them all the harder." Tony picked up.

"Exactly. I haven't read all of these, I just picked them up in case. Also I stocked up on some necessary rations." He gestured at the bag of candy on Bruce's lap. "I have seventeen more bags of sour patch kids in that desk."

"Barton, who buys eighteen bags of sour patch kids?"

"I think he's a genius. Not as smart as me, obviously," Tony said, grabbing the bag of sour candy, "but pretty darn smart." He ripped the bag open and drew out a handful, offering some to Bruce before stuffing them in his mouth.

"Let's get this prank planning party started," he announced around a mouthful of the candy. 

So they got started, the three deadly agents analyzing pages of information while sitting on a beanbag chair and eating sour patch kids.


	6. Chapter 6

Wanda, Vision, Thor, and Steve walked into the Avengers Tower, all of them weary and about ready to crash on the couch.

Thor walked into the kitchen, while Steve mumbled something about needing to sleep and retreating to his room.

Wanda took a seat and grabbed the remote, flipping through channels aimlessly. Vision sat beside her, staring at the screen as images flickered across it. 

Thor reappeared with a box of poptarts and flopped on the opposite end of the sofa. 

"What Midguardian entertainment shall enthral us on this day?" he asked.

"Well," Vision remarked, "it is Monday."

"Ah yes, the day upon which we merrily eat popped corn and view that which you call movies." 

"Movie night with less than half of the Avengers." Wanda said listlessly. "And it's in the afternoon instead of the evening."

"Why not?" Vision asked. "Or we could watch Doctor Who."

"We are not watching more of that weird alien show."

"Fine. How about Harry Potter?"

"My magic is better than theirs." 

"And my hammer is better than any wand." Thor jumped in.

"Just choose something, Wanda." Vision said, giving up.

"Big Hero 6 it is, then." She opened Netflix and found the movie. 

"I've already seen it," Thor boomed, unwrapping a pastry. 

"We're watching it anyway," Wanda declared with a sigh.

Vision left to make popcorn as the Disney opening played. Thor placed Mjolnir on the coffee table.

When Vision came back from the kitchen, he had a large plastic bowl of popcorn. Thor practically dove into it, having discovered a few weeks ago that it was "excellent Midguardian nutriment". 

As they watched the film, all was quiet in the tower except for the crunching of popcorn and the occasional loud comment from Thor. ("That bloated creature, is it not like a medic version of Vision?") 

But mostly, all was well with their little movie group. For now, at least.

*perspective switch*

Tony closed Steve's file, having read it through rather thoroughly. 

"You know, I can't help but notice that there's information missing from these things," he said, leaning back in the blue beanbag chair. 

Bruce looked over from his seat on the desk chair. "Like the whited-out areas and the absence of certain pages," he said. "Yeah, Barton noticed that like fifteen minutes ago, Tony."

Clint spoke, "I found something that referenced a page on team and family members, but couldn't find a single paper in any of the files that talked about anything related to the subject."

"Makes sense, really. Fury probably took the pages out in case someone managed to steal the files. Really, I'm surprised he didn't have these locked up behind the enforced metal walls of a safe."

"He did. I cracked the code."

"If you can get into secure files, I'm pretty sure SHIELD needs to update its security measures." Bruce decided.

"It is slightly disturbing knowing that my information could fall into some random person's hands." Tony grimaced.

"What are you talking about? Your information is everywhere. Remember the time you told the presses what your ACTUAL address was?" Clint said, looking at Tony with an expression of utter disbelief. "You're like, the opposite of secretive."

"He has a point." Bruce agreed.

"Never mind that, there's like, no information in these files. Barton, you failed." Tony said, throwing Steve's file to the side. Papers flew through the air, fluttering to the floor in an erratic pattern. 

Bruce rubbed his forehead in frustration. Clint leapt up from his seat on the desk, accidentally knocking off the half-empty bag of candy. It fell the the floor, gummies mixed with the scattered papers. 

"Okay, you know what? Screw the papers. I have an idea. But I'm going to need 2000 balloons, 2000 plastic cups, water and A LOT of glitter."


	7. Chapter 7

Two hours later, they were checking out at a Walmart, having left SHIELD in a stolen helicopter. They had caused a bit of a scene as they landed in the parking lot, people looking on as the aircraft gracefully landed on the pavement... right on top of an abandoned shopping cart. Tony had been flying. He got distracted by an expensive car. No further explanation needed.

The metallic screech of the shopping cart against the bottom of the helicopter prompted some non-metallic screeches from Tony. 

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" He screamed, his voice slightly muffled and distorted by the noise outside and the jolting of the aircraft.

Bruce and Clint, in the back of the helicopter, just stayed quiet and tried not to be thrown around.

When Tony finally managed to successfully land, the three friends disembarked to find a the mangled remains of what used to be a Walmart shopping cart.

"Oops," Tony said. "I'll get Pepper to pay for it later."

It took five carts and plenty of odd looks from staff and customers, but finally they had collected everything they would need. They had completely cleared out the store's stock of balloons. 

The clerk ringing them out stared wide-eyed when they pulled into her row. 

"Do you, um, are you sure you need /this/ much?" She questioned.

"I'm Tony Stark. Yes, I need this much stuff."

"I... okay." The cashier set to work, scanning all the items. Almost an entire half hour later, she finally finished with a sigh. 

"There you go. Have a good day doing, uh, whatever you're doing with all these balloons." She dropped the final sack of the inflatables into the plastic bag at her side. Tony picked it up, Bruce and Clint already each holding four bags. Quickly, Tony paid with a swipe of a card.

Struggling along with their many purchases, they headed out to their waiting transportation. 

JARVIS greeted them as they entered. 

"Good afternoon, Mr Stark, Banner, Barton. May I inquire as to what you may be doing with all those items? I certainly hope you three are not planning anything that has the potential to stop Mr Stark from attending his meeting tomorrow."

Clint and Bruce stored their bags away in the space behind their seats.

"Yeah, about that? Tell Pepper I won't be able to make it."

"Ms Potts will be most displeased." JARVIS' mechanical voice reprimanded.

"Yep, and I'm sure I'll have to deal with her rants later, but right now I have some other important business to attend to." Tony said as he buckled himself into the pilot seat.

"Whatever you say, Mr Stark."

The AI fell silent as the helicopter rose into the air smoothly.

"Okay, I was kind of scared to even think about what we're doing with all this stuff, but now that we actually have it all, we sort of need to know what to do with it." Bruce said, turned to face Clint. When the archer didn't immediately reply, he paled. "Please tell me you do actually have a plan."

"No, no." Clint replied quickly. "I have a plan, but now that I'm faced with all this stuff, I've realized I don't actually know how to execute it."

"Oh my god."

Clint hurriedly continued, "I mean, it's fairly simply to blow up a balloon, or fill a plastic cup with water, but," he laughed nervously, "we have a LOT of balloons to blow up and cups to fill with water. Not to mention we also have to fill the balloons with the glitter, and keep all the Avengers occupied while we do it."

"And what exactly are we doing with these cups of water and glitter balloons?" Bruce asked.

"Isn't it obvious? We fill the cups and then place them all over our victim's rooms floor so that they can't take a step without water spilling all over the place. Then we take the balloons and fill their rooms with them. When they try to get rid of them, they'll find that they can't be popped without spraying glitter everywhere."

"As I said earlier," Tony said, a hint of pride in his voice, "the man's brilliant."

Bruce rubbed his forehead. "Okay, it's a pretty good plan, but just having the plan isn't good enough. How are we going to carry this out? There are only three of us and thousands of cups and balloons."

Tony spoke up. "Actually, there will only be two of you, if you want the others to be distracted. I can occupy them for quite a while, but it will leave you two to do the rest." 

Bruce took a deep breath. "Fine. There are only two of us and still thousands of balloons and cups."

Clint's eyes suddenly lit up. "Tony, could you whip up a machine really quickly, just to deal with the balloons?"

The pilot shrugged. "Couldn't be that difficult."

"Perfect," Clint decided. "Now we just have to deal with the cups. We can do that," he said, patting Bruce on the shoulder just as the aircraft touched down on the Avengers Tower roof.

The group snuck into Tony's lab, careful not to disturb the three superheroes watching the Disney animated film. When they arrived in the cluttered room, Tony immediately took off, gathering seemingly random parts off the floor and off of shelves. Bruce followed close behind, and Clint just took a seat on the couch over in the corner. 

"Anything you need me to do?" Bruce asked.

"Sure," Tony said, grimacing as he twisted something into place. "Whip up a small pneumatic system to push glitter into the balloons."

The scientist and the inventor danced around the room, grabbing tools and pieces and carefully putting them in place. In no time, a strange-looking contraption came into being. A patchwork of metal bits, it was somehow simple and complex at the same time. Tony stepped back to admire his work as Clint stood and offered a blue inflatable to Bruce. 

"Do the honours."

The machine whined as he fed the open end of the balloon into a slot at the front of the metal mosaic. As it disappeared, the whining stopped. Then a clicking sound, then finally what sounded like an elastic snapping.

A small conveyor at the end of the rectangular invention started moving. It deposited a perfectly round blue balloon in the basket placed beneath it. 

Clint picked it up gently, as though it was a fragile ceramic. He shook it around a bit, then grinned and threw it over to Tony. It floated gently through the air, coming to rest in the billionaire's outstretched hands.

"Looks like it works." 

Tony eyed the balloon, holding it over a light so that he could see the large dark spot on the bottom, the place where the glitter lay. When he took the balloon away from the light, however, it was impossible to tell that there was a secret assailant inside. 

"Perfect," Tony announced, slapping the balloon over to the basket. He clapped his hands together once, then started walking towards the large glass door. "I'll get everyone out of the Tower. You guys get the balloons going, I'll get JARVIS to send a message when you're clear to start with the cups."

Clint nodded, already having picked up several bags of balloons and ripping them open. Bruce followed his lead as Tony walked up the stairs to meet the Avengers above.

Bruce's forehead suddenly creased, his face melting into an expression of concern. "Hey, do you know where Natasha-" 

He was cut off by a panicked scream from the top of the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLIFFHANGER!


	8. Chapter 8

Bruce and Clint looked at each other. Bruce's eyes were wide with apprehension, while Clint's were narrowed with suspicion. 

In one quick movement, the archer jumped over the table in front of him and grabbed his bow and quiver resting against the sofa. Silently, he crept towards the stairs. Bruce didn't move from his position beside the contraption. 

Not making even the tiniest sound, Clint moved up the stairs like a shadow, his assassin's training kicking in. As he reached the top of the stairs, he swung the door open cautiously, bow at the ready, loaded with an arrow. He was met with nothing. The screams had stopped. He was sure it had been Tony. 

No one had come from the living room. The rooms were too far away, and the movie was apparently too engrossing for them to have heard the commotion. Carefully, Clint edged around the corner, and was met with an upside-down Tony. 

He wore an expression of utmost annoyance, his arms crossed over his chest. His head was swinging about a metre off the ground, his left ankle caught in a loop of rope suspended from the ceiling. 

"That was quite a fantastic scream, Tony." Clint smirked at the dangling man.

"Just get me down, Robin Hood."

Clint chose another arrow from his quiver, and nocked it, aiming at the rope. The tip gleamed silver, sharp as a knife.

Tony uncrossed his arms and waved them around in Clint's direction.

"Wait, wait! Nononononono," he pleaded before the arrow sliced through the rope and he landed with a THUD on his face. 

Rubbing his head, he looked up from his position on the floor with an expression of contempt. "Was that really necessary?"

"You just said to get you down. You didn't indicate a preferred method."

"Shut up," Tony said, beginning to stand just as JARVIS started speaking.

"Sir, I believe my systems are being hack-" The electronic voice was quickly cut off and overrun by a jumble of static and uninterpretable phrases. It lasted a few seconds before clearing suddenly, replaced by a familiar, falsely sweet voice. 

"Hello, boys. Did you enjoy my little rope trick, Tony?"

Clint could almost imagine the way her lips would be curled in a perfect little smile, her eyes glimmering as she spoke. Tony stared up at the ceiling, as though he could actually visualize the voice.

"What, did you think you were the only pranksters on the team?"

"How did you know about-" Clint was stopped short by Natasha's voice.

"Did you honestly forget that all of the Avengers have access to JARVIS? I've been using him all day to listen in on your conversations. Have fun navigating the house. My traps are everywhere."

Clint and Tony kept staring upward even as her voice disappeared and the static returned. 

When JARVIS came back, he sounded flustered, or as flustered as an AI can sound.

"I'm sorry, sir. I have confirmed that my systems have been hacked by Miss Romanoff. However, all of your files seem to be untouched, and my database is clear. The only thing she seems to have used is the audio system."

"Yeah, we know, JARVIS. Thanks anyway." Clint said, turning to go back to the lab. "Stick to the plan, distract the others. Just be careful, alright?" He slid his bow onto his shoulder and replaced his arrows as he walked down the white stairs.

Tony continued down the hall with caution, cursing how slowly he had to move. He just barely missed a tripwire, managing to step over it at the last second. 

He accidentally activated some kind of gas, which momentarily blinded him but didn't seem to do any lasting harm. He moved past a suspicious loose tile and dodged multiple Nerf arrows launched seemingly from nowhere.

He finally made it to the living room, where the end scene of Big Hero 6 played out on the big flatscreen TV. He peeked around the wall in front of him and observed the scene. Thor had his feet up on the table in front of him, popcorn spilled on the floor and on the couch around him. Vision and Wanda were sitting close together, almost touching but not quite.

The sun was hanging low, the amber sky silhouetting the living room in shadows. Tony watched as Thor clapped his hands and stood, spilling even more popcorn in the process. 

"I must admit, you Midguardians, for all your faults, do make excellent films." 

Tony stepped out from behind the wall. 

Wanda gasped, her hands filling with swirling red magic on impulse. The magic vanished when she recognized the figure. "Tony! When did you get here?"

"What? Oh, uh, we came in the back door." He explained quickly. 

"Are all the Avengers here now?"  
The Vision stood up beside Wanda, moving as if to put a hand on her shoulder, then thinking better of it.

"No," Tony said. "Natasha's around somewhere, but Bruce is finishing up an experiment at SHIELD and Clint is still AWOL."

"He'll turn up sooner or later," Vision reassured Wanda, seeing her eyes fill with worry over the archer.

Steve walked into the living room, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"When did he get here?" He asked sleepily, looking at Tony through eyes still glazed with drowsiness.

"'He' got here an hour ago." Tony replied. "While you were, what, taking a nap?" 

Steve frowned, "Unlike you, super soldiers have to sleep. Let me remind you of the last time Bruce found you passed out over your latest project at 5 in the morning." 

He looked down at his clothes. Having changed out of his uncomfortable SHIELD training uniform, he was wearing a rumpled white shirt and baggy grey track pants. 

Tony replied defensively. "I have better uses for my time than sleeping. Hey, remember the time I saved the world while you were asleep?"

"I was buried in ice after I sacrificed myself for New York."

Wanda stepped in, rolling her eyes. "Boys, boys, you're both pretty. But we should really be looking for Clint." The master marksman had taken Wanda under his wing when Pietro had died, and she felt a need to help him.

"Barton? You kidding? He's annoying as f***. We don't need him."  
Tony said with a trademark smirk.

"Language," Wanda, Vision and Thor all said automatically.

Steve glared at them.

"How about we go for an Avengers Night Out?" Tony suggested. "You know, get some dinner, hope we aren't mobbed by adoring fans."

"We don't exactly have any fans, Tony." Steve replied, unsmiling. The two men stared at each other, as if daring the other to start a fight.

"That sounds great." Wanda said in an attempt to stop the tension. Tony and Steve broke eye contact.

"I agree." Vision said quickly, following Wanda's lead.

"Somewhere with coffee." Thor decided.

"Get in one of the cars downstairs. You know where they are. I'm just gonna grab some cash and be down in a minute. I'm driving, Steve isn't allowed to ride shotgun." Tony said, already walking.

It worked, he thought. The plan is in motion. Just gotta notify Legolas and Rage Monster.

Then his foot caught on a rope strung across the hall. He very quickly had a very nice view of the floor.


	9. Author's Note?

Hello! I wrote this story so long ago, and haven't updated in forever. I'm sorry I just abandoned it, but I also doubt I'll continue it. This was a very fun story to write, and I greatly enjoyed it. Every comment and kudos inspired me, encouraged me and really made my day. Thank you, reader, for taking time out of your day to read the rushed but passionate writing of a fourteen-year-old. I still love these characters just as much as I did back when this story was in progress. Perhaps in the future I'll write another story, but as for right now, I'll bid you goodbye. Thank you so much for adding a bit of joy to my life.


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